Dating Out of Your League? Why Leagues Are a Myth

If you have ever looked at someone and thought, "No way, they are dating out of my league," this one is for you. The idea of dating out of your league is everywhere: in movies, in group chats, in the little voice that talks you out of saying hello. Here is the truth. Leagues are not real. They are a story we tell ourselves so we do not have to risk anything.

That does not mean everyone will be into you. It means the reasons people match up are a lot more interesting, and a lot more in your control, than a ranking system.

Where the "league" idea comes from

The league idea treats people like trading cards. Looks, money, job, height and follower count all get added up into one score, and you are supposed to stay with people who have a similar number.

The problem is that nobody actually falls for a score. People fall for how someone makes them feel. They fall for the laugh, the kindness to the waiter, the way someone remembers the little thing you mentioned last week. None of that shows up on a trading card.

Why dating out of your league is a myth

Look around at the couples you know. Most of them do not match on paper. One is the funny one, one is the calm one. One is gorgeous in a magazine way, the other is gorgeous in a "you light up the room" way. They work because of chemistry, shared values and the way they treat each other.

Attraction is personal. The person you think is a perfect ten might not be anyone else's type, and someone out there thinks your exact face is the best one in the room.
Attraction grows. People often become more attractive to us as we get to know them. A good conversation changes how someone looks to you.
Confidence and warmth are attractive at every level. They are also skills, which means you can build them.
Everybody has insecurities. The person you have put on a pedestal is probably worried about something too.

What actually makes people say yes

When someone agrees to a date, it is usually because the conversation felt good. That comes down to a few things anyone can do:

Be genuinely curious. Ask questions and care about the answers.
Give a real compliment. Specific, sincere, about something they chose. "You tell stories like a comedian" beats "you are hot" every time.
Make them laugh, or laugh at their jokes. Shared laughter builds connection fast.
Show up as yourself. Not a highlight reel. The real, slightly goofy you.
Be kind to everyone. People notice how you treat the bartender.

Dawn calls the compliment part of this the compliment method, and it is the first thing she teaches at every speed dating night. You can read about it on our learn how to date page.

How to stop counting yourself out

Most "out of my league" thinking happens before you ever talk to the person. You decide the answer for them. Try these instead:

Catch the thought. When you hear yourself say "they would never," replace it with "I do not know yet."
List what you bring. Seriously, write it down. Funny? Loyal? Great cook? Good listener? Those are not small things.
Look after yourself for you. A fresh haircut, clothes that fit, a good night's sleep. Do it because it feels good, not to climb a ladder.
Practice talking to everyone. The more people you chat with, the less any single person feels like a big deal.

If the self-doubt runs deep, working on it is worth it for every part of your life. UR-Amazing.org is Dawn's self-help home for building confidence and learning everything good about you.

Ask anyway, then let them decide

Here is the mindset shift: your job is not to decide whether you deserve someone. Your job is to show up, be warm, and ask. Their job is to answer. Let them do their job.

Keep the ask simple. "I have really enjoyed talking to you. Want to grab a coffee this week?" If they say yes, great. If they say no, you got a clear answer in ten seconds instead of months of wondering. That is a win too.

And if it is a no, be gracious. "No worries, it was great talking to you." People remember how you handled a no, and you never know who their friends are.

Meet people where there is no ranking

Apps can make the league problem worse, because you are judged on a few photos before anyone hears you talk. Face-to-face is different. In person, your humor and warmth get a fair shot.

That is the whole idea behind Now or Never, our speed dating nights in Las Vegas for everyone 21 and over. Short timed dates, a lesson first, and a room where everyone came to meet someone. New dates are coming soon, so register free and you will hear the moment one is set. In the meantime, check out other singles events in Las Vegas.

Your turn

Who is the person you have been telling yourself is out of your league, and what is one friendly thing you could say to them this week?

Keep the love going

This article first appeared on Now or Never Speed Dating, part of The Love Effect family of sites.